on t4t love and other such things

 Happy pride month!

To celebrate this, I want to tell you about my relationship that, despite often passing as straight to the untrained eye nowadays, is very queer.

Brief recounting of events first: I met Lucas when I was a man. When we first got crushes on each other, when we started dating, the whole time we were dating for the first time, actually – we were boyfriends. And it was great to be t4t boys in love. Then we broke up and, although we didn’t know this, since we weren’t talking, both of us had a bit of a gender journey over that half a year. His isn’t mine to tell, but when we started talking about possibly getting back together I was nonbinary and very lost in the gender/sexuality sauce. Eventually, I (very nervously) decided I’d rather be called a girlfriend, even if I’m not really a girl. For a moment, we were in a lesbian relationship, until he realised he was, in fact, a man. Our straight era ensued and has been going ever since. 

He’s loved me through changing my gender and my expression completely, no questions asked, just unending, unconditional support for me to be my most authentic self no matter what shape I take.

When I first came out as trans to my mum, one of the first things she told me was that choosing “this way of living” could prove to be difficult and could mean I might never find someone who would love me. And that’s a fear I carried for a long time. Could I ever be understood, loved? Could my body be desirable at all?
But those worries were unfounded. 
Trans love is beautiful, it’s something that is so special to me; to be understood so deeply, to see someone and be seen for what you truly are. I can be loved, I can be cherished and desired and so much beyond that; I am. Being trans was and is, well, transformative, in more than one way. My boyfriend makes me feel like a girl when I want to feel that way, but never makes me feel limited in that role; it gives me space to invent my own femininity. I love being a girlfriend, specifically, but in my own way - I love wearing dresses and having my boyfriend’s arm around my waist. Now, I don’t want to yap too much about my love for my boyfriend, but I love everything about his masculinity, my favourite just some guy. And I won't get explicit - if you know you know, anyway - but t4t sex is something I truly treasure. After all, changing your sex is a pretty embodied experience. Someone seeing my self-made body and loving it, wanting to make me feel nothing but good and myself in it - and me being able to return that favour - is a beautiful experience. That, and the pet pla- moving on!

 I don’t want to talk only about romantic relationships. Being trans has given me such a wonderful community, so many wonderful friends. I know I’m understood and supported by so many people out there. I cherish every good moment we get, everyone’s steps towards their transition goal, every night out, every laugh, every long conversation. If I could, I’d capture each of these good moments in tiny snow globes, so we’d never have to feel scared and hopeless again, so we’d never need to sit through our darkest moments together. Sometimes it feels like everyone else is either out to get us, or at best doesn’t care if we live or die, but I would take a bullet for each of my trans friends. All I want is for us all to be healthy, safe and happy.

Back to mine and Luc’s relationship – we’re queer in more than one way. My boyfriend is aroace(spec)! (And I’ve been identifying as acespec on and off since middle school, but that’s not here nor there.) Despite this coming as a shock to some people on bluesky a few weeks ago, I’ve known this for… pretty much our entire relationship. I’m not being held hostage and I’m not suffering here, I pinky promise. In fact, I knew this when we first started flirting (it was twitter days, we all had our sexualities proudly displayed), and I never really minded. I love our weird little relationship and that it’s so ours.
To the outside world, we aren’t different from any other couple. We flirt, we never shut up about each other, we even (and I can’t believe I’m saying this) dabble in some PDA, we participate in TMI sex convos with friends, we talk about wanting to get married one day. Honestly, even to us, it doesn’t really differ from any other relationship in any tangible way for the most part. But it’s not always based on strictly romantic or sexual attraction! And that doesn’t make me feel any less loved, I know that despite the feelings behind it fluctuating, my boyfriend always loves me, even if in his own way, and he never fails to make me feel sure about it. Besides, I always saw romantic relationships as another level of friendship, so that’s something we can fully agree on.

All this to say, I love my queer relationship! Through all the changes, we keep proving to each other that we’re there for each other and we’ll always be cheering each other on on the journey to become our truest selves. It’s beautiful to create this special thing together, to find new ways to love, to understand each other so deeply. 

Happy pride month, be gayer, NOW!