single dog dare

Single dog dare wasn't originally a blog name. 

Around a year and a bit ago, I started entertaining the idea of breaking up with my then-boyfriend, and you know it's fucking over when you start seriously thinking about that; playing out scenarios in your head and feeling like not much could actually stop you from making that decision sooner or later. I'll spare the details, but I was feeling guilty and actually evil for even thinking about that as much as I did.

And so, I wrote a song. Or, started writing it, I guess. I ended up with a simple melody, a verse and chorus, both far from perfect and half of the verse is lost to time because I decided not to write it down anywhere and didn't include it in my voice note. The guitar tab has also been lost to time and since I never really learned how to recognise notes by ear I've not been able to fully recreate it (I kind of got it, but it's still a bit off).

Unoriginally, I love a dog motif in art. I had been listening to Lucy Dacus' Triple Dog Dare and something about it inspired me (it also inspired my tumblr blog name - quadrupledogdare). I was thinking about double and then triple dares escalating the dare to something you can't refuse. By the same logic, a single dog dare would be something with low stakes, something you can easily say no to, but, due to pressure built only by you, you might still insist on doing. That "dare" only being used as a justification, a way to take away from your own accountability. You were dared, after all, it's not your choice, it's not your fault. And the childish feeling of this phrase, which felt appropriate for a relationship that started back in school. It was rattling around my brain for a few days, and eventually I wrote more lyrics around it.

Now, this song lives in this short voice note, with my ex putting away the dishes in our kitchen, frozen in time, like a weird bittersweet memory. I remember vividly where I was sat, the fact that the sun was setting and filling my room with this blue haze that not even all my cosy, small lights could fight off. I remember thinking I would miss hearing the sounds of this person I love in another room, but still not being able to stop the urge to leave. 

I thought it would be fun to share that voice note so here it is, with mouse clicks, mistakes, only half a verse and the clinking of dishes in the background. (Did you know you can't upload mp3 files here? But worry not, I made this gorgeous video especially for you, my lovely readers.)

 Lyrics:

well I am not your saviour 
and you're not my disciple 
though you wear me 'round your neck
and you speak of me in words far too beautiful
[at the end of the verse there was a line that went something like we're just two dogs trying not to bite but- which went into the chorus]
neither of us has the guts
you broke my heart once
i couldn't mind
i guess it's my turn 
i guess it's high time
it's a single dog dare
it's my own design